Carlisle Living December 2016
The festive season is upon us. But how will you be spending it? Will it be a non-stop whirl of merriment from your Christingle Mingle to the final chimes of midnight on New Year’s Day? Or are you dreading the thought of preparing a meal featuring a disproportionately large breasted South American bird for seventeen people, eight of whom probably hate you? Take my scientifically devised quiz to find out what this Yuletide has in store.
What will you be doing on Christmas Eve?
a. Watching Elf with Nanny, Grandpops and the brood. I’ll be wrapping pressies – if I can lay hands on the sellotape.
b. Crying outside the locked doors of Primark.
c. After listening to the Nine Lessons from King’s College Chapel, we always pop round to Doug and Elva’s for fizz and nibbles. They love my home-made stollen and this year I’m taking my sloe gin.
How will you be wakened on Christmas morning?
a. By jammy little fingers prising my eyes open at 5.00am and shouts of ‘Father Christmas has been!’
b. The dog choking on and throwing up the carrot left out for Santa’s reindeer. And then the sound of a vicious squabble over a hatchimal placed in the wrong stocking.
c. By the joyful peal of church bells.
What are your plans for Christmas dinner?
a. We all muck in. My mum does the turkey and I do the veg, the stuffing and the Christmas pud while Eileen next door brings round her famous bread sauce. It’s chaos, but it’s fun.
b. If I’ve remembered to take the turkey out of the freezer, it should be ok. Otherwise, I’ll have to see if I can defrost it under the hot tap and keep everyone happy with Pringles and Matchmakers until it’s ready.
c. Delia’s Christmas countdown is my bible, so everything is organised with military precision. The goose and trimmings will have been prepped the day before; all I’ll need to do is put the finishing touches to my fig and rum morsels and keep on top of my timings.
Who’s joining you for dinner?
a. The whole tribe. About sixteen of us.
b. Well, this is complicated: me, my ex, my new partner’s ex-wife’s ex and her sons – the kids, obviously, my mum’s going to Alicante this Christmas after last year – and Steve (we’re not sure who he belongs to but he’s been turning up for Christmas dinner since 1989). We’re hoping my brother-in-law will be coming but his parole date isn’t until late December, so we’re not sure yet.
c. Our grown up daughters, their husbands and their cherry-cheeked tots.
And how will you round off the day?
a. Once the kitchen’s cleared up, we’ll have a good old sob over Toy Story 3 and then it’ll be time for a game of charades.
b. There’s usually a row over who’s sober enough to give Steve a lift home. And the dog might be sick again.
c. We’ll be joining the other villagers for carol singing and punch.
Mostly As
This sounds promising – if a little smug. Still, don’t let my cynical distrust of Christmas put a dampener on it – enjoy your day!
Mostly Bs
You may need to re-examine your Christmas strategy. If you can stand it, find someone whose answers are mostly ‘A’s for advice on planning ahead. Meanwhile, it might be an idea to find out who the blithers Steve is. He sounds like a chancer. And next year, don’t rule out Alicante: your mum’s got the right idea.
Mostly Cs
I don’t believe you.
sezl: 50 + 